A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads::
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited
Best of British
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish flat pack furniture and watch American crap on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions whilst healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do Banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive but lock our junk and a cheapo lawnmower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain can you find disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all of the pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of a screwdriver.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their christmas tree whilst the fairy lights were plugged in and switched on.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years eating Christmas decorations believing them to be chocolates.
British Hospitals recorded 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on their a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the past 2 years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
and, finally.........
In 2006 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls Incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet pan.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions whilst healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do Banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive but lock our junk and a cheapo lawnmower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain can you find disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all of the pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of a screwdriver.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their christmas tree whilst the fairy lights were plugged in and switched on.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years eating Christmas decorations believing them to be chocolates.
British Hospitals recorded 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on their a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the past 2 years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
and, finally.........
In 2006 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls Incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet pan.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out,but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: ' What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'
Finally, Anna said she'd go out,but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: ' What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
21 of the best Schoolboy Howlers
A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.
Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives. This is quite usual with actors.
Homer wrote the Oddity. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn’t reach the right hand side of the page.
Polonius was a mythical sausage.
An abstract noun is one that cannot be heard, seen, touched or smelled.
Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face.
The Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
Joan of Arc was burned to a steak.
Louis XVI was gelatined to death.
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
The Jews were a proud people, but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
The seventh commandment is “thou shall not admit adulteryâ€
A fairy tale is something that never happened a long time ago.
Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives. This is quite usual with actors.
Homer wrote the Oddity. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Poetry is when every line starts with a capital letter and doesn’t reach the right hand side of the page.
Polonius was a mythical sausage.
An abstract noun is one that cannot be heard, seen, touched or smelled.
Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face.
The Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
Joan of Arc was burned to a steak.
Louis XVI was gelatined to death.
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
The Jews were a proud people, but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
The seventh commandment is “thou shall not admit adulteryâ€
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Little Johnny
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,
"coz he'd be f@#*ed if he needed glasses".
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,
"coz he'd be f@#*ed if he needed glasses".
10th Wedding Anniversary
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion,I think that it is time I made a confession, before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for St. Helen's .........
anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion,I think that it is time I made a confession, before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for St. Helen's .........
A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.
99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and then again I just sits" Punch 24th Oct 1906
Joke
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want
one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my
father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want
one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my
father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
He laid her on the table so white and clean and bare,
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breast then drooling felt her thighs,the slit was wet and all was set as he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide and as he looked inside, all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and licked his lips.....
...and stuffed the Christmas Turkey
MERRY CHRISTMAS you dirty minded buggers
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breast then drooling felt her thighs,the slit was wet and all was set as he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide and as he looked inside, all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and licked his lips.....
...and stuffed the Christmas Turkey
MERRY CHRISTMAS you dirty minded buggers
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.
Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.
Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and then again I just sits" Punch 24th Oct 1906
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them & wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
A frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW??'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Bert yells, ' AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
A frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW??'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Bert yells, ' AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
The best way to wash a cat
1. Take one large cup of laundry detergent.
2 Lift lid of toilet.
3. Pour detergent into toilet.
4. Put cat into toilet.
5. Quickly close toilet lid.
6. Flush toilet three times - this shampoos cat, and then rinses twice.
7. Make sure all doors between toilet and outside of house are open.
8. Warn other occupants of the house to keep well away.
9. Open lid of toilet and jump back.
10. Cat will run furiously out of house.
11. Cat will not return for several hours, by which time it will be dry.
Signed, The Dog
2 Lift lid of toilet.
3. Pour detergent into toilet.
4. Put cat into toilet.
5. Quickly close toilet lid.
6. Flush toilet three times - this shampoos cat, and then rinses twice.
7. Make sure all doors between toilet and outside of house are open.
8. Warn other occupants of the house to keep well away.
9. Open lid of toilet and jump back.
10. Cat will run furiously out of house.
11. Cat will not return for several hours, by which time it will be dry.
Signed, The Dog
santabanjo
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED