Best of British
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- Deceased
- Posts: 3470
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- Location: BangSaphan. Laurasia. Sub thumb
UN
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I havejust one question about what I have seen in America.
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I havejust one question about what I have seen in America.
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
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- Deceased
- Posts: 3470
- Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:01 pm
- Location: BangSaphan. Laurasia. Sub thumb
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is
thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try.
******************************************************************
5lb chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup preprepared stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 220c.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.
Listen to the popping sounds.
When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done
thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try.
******************************************************************
5lb chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup preprepared stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 220c.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.
Listen to the popping sounds.
When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
- dr dave soul monsta
- Deceased
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2004 10:04 pm
- Location: Altissima quaeque flumina minimo sono labi
- Contact:
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it anyway. So he took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
Well the tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
"Ah, you've come back for the story then!"
"No," said the tourist - "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, and anything French!!"
The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
Well the tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
"Ah, you've come back for the story then!"
"No," said the tourist - "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, and anything French!!"
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, it takes the prize.
____________________
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 46 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
____________________
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 46 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED


'Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, 'I've never come this way before.'
The other Nun whispers, 'It's the cobblestones.'
One leans over to the other and says, 'I've never come this way before.'
The other Nun whispers, 'It's the cobblestones.'
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein
Hair Remover
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.
At the register, the druggist tells her 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady responds: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady answers: 'I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist says: 'In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week.'
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.
At the register, the druggist tells her 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady responds: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady answers: 'I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist says: 'In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week.'
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, 'How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?'
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: 'You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!'
On the back of the photo he scrawled, 'How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?'
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: 'You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!'
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, 'Free S e x with Fill-Up'.
Soon a local red neck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free s e x. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly, he would get his free s e x. The red neck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no s e x this time.'
A week later, the same red neck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free s e x. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The red neck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free s e x this time.'
As they were driving away, the red neck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he ain't really gonna give away no free s e x.'
Bubba replied, 'No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week.'
Soon a local red neck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free s e x. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly, he would get his free s e x. The red neck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no s e x this time.'
A week later, the same red neck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free s e x. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The red neck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free s e x this time.'
As they were driving away, the red neck said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he ain't really gonna give away no free s e x.'
Bubba replied, 'No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week.'
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein
FUNERAL EXPENSES
Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, 'Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Helen. 'Thirty thousand.'
'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?'
Helen answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial STONE.'
Jody computed quickly. '$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!'
'Three and one half carats.'
Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, 'Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Helen. 'Thirty thousand.'
'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?'
Helen answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial STONE.'
Jody computed quickly. '$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!'
'Three and one half carats.'
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!" "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid..... lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED





Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED

