Best of the Rest of the World

[BaaBaa.]

Didn't know where to post this but had to put it somewher . It's gold.

[pharvey]

Looks like Suárez to me.... CHRIST!!! He IS guilty!!

[BaaBaa.]

Looks like Suárez to me.... CHRIST!!! He IS guilty!!

Almost identical, 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth.

[pharvey]

Looks like Suárez to me.... CHRIST!!! He IS guilty!!

Almost identical, 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth.

..... Come on blue - I've never been a great Wendyball supporter, but have always said it would be Liverpool.

We have the same shite in rugby [EDIT: Welsh Rugby] - obviously on a different scale finance and popularity-wise....... however, it's always the southern English p****s that complain!!

[richard]

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was wearing a turban and eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at the nun and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry 'rape' and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you rag-headed Camel-fucker."

[pharvey]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette, are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is clearly heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

[Big Boy]

Romney tax plan

http://www.romneytaxplan.com/

[GLCQuantum]

Romney tax plan

http://www.romneytaxplan.com/

[richard]

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT . . .





Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe,
Near Transylvania. They drive in a rental car along a rather
Deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see
The road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids
Out of control. Bob attempts to control it,
But to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks
Over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her
Head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside,
Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her
Up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while,
He sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming
From a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks..
A small, hunched man opens the door.Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been
Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone..
My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.



An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may
Have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have
Had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do.
Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
With Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in
The lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,
So Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.

Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory,
Which houses his grand piano. It is here that he
Has always found solace and he begins to play.
A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers
On Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting
Piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins
To rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as
Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs
To the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!


scroll down










The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

[Dannie Boy]

I think that some things are best left collecting dust Richard!!

[richard]

I think that some things are best left collecting dust Richard!!

I know, I know, I know. I was WARNED I might get lynched It's OK when sitting behind your laptop screen though

[Dannie Boy]

Breaking news!


Two more have come forward to say they had fingers shoved up their backsides by dead BBC TV stars!













Sooty and Sweep say the abuse went on, with the
full knowledge of BBC Management for years!

[Dannie Boy]

The BBC made Jimmy Saville wear all that jewellery so kids could hear him
coming, the same way you'd put a bell on a cat.
-------------------

The BBC News channel just displayed images of three women who claimed
that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current
picture of each of the women and a picture of each of them taken in the
1970s.The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.
-------------------


Abu Hamza is being deported to the States.
It's been a long time since the Americans have been excited about a Muslim
flying towards them.

----------------------
Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she has said
she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years
together !!!!

-------------------

Got my Halloween costume sorted, I'm gonna wear a blonde wig, tracksuit,
Gold chains & a cigar. That should scare the little buggers away.
------------------

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the
cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it
for everybody."

Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it
then it's just going to get thrown away."

"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

------------------------

Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try
a*** sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
-----------------------

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal
Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:/

-------------------

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!

-------------------------

2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like another Friday night
in Brixton. You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!


----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze,
copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth .

-------------------------

A englishman has started his own business in afghanistan ! He is making land
mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through
the roof !

[richard]

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.


The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door.. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.



I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for sake ............ Some of us have got homes to go to!'



Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!



Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'



Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...

[PeteC]

^ Henny Youngman is smiling. Below in case some don't know he was. Pete

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henny_Youngman


.....and some of his jokes: http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm