Best of British

[Big Boy]

I lay upon a grassy bank;
My hands were all a quiver;
I slowly removed her suspender belt;
And her leg fell in the river.

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney aged 64

[Big Boy]

'In an interview about his failed marraige, Paul McCartney was asked if he'd ever go down on one knee again? to which he replied'........

"I'd rather you called her Heather"

[Big Boy]

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the world cup with my son-in-law."

[Perente]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife….. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."



His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.








"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[Big Boy]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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>>Answer:
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>>Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed

[Big Boy]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub drinking a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish
kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and...... Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating
rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of
the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening
bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars.

and finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing
up into the toilet.

[PeteC]

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

This thread has given me more laughs than I've had in a long time, thanks. You could actually change B of the B's to B of the Yanks and all would just about apply.

Is the above really true, I've done it and though you get a tingle...far from fatal? Pete

[HansMartin]

There is more commonality between Engalnd and the US of A then I ever reallized.

[Perente]

All of those can also be applied to Australia, but I would also add;

Only in Australia is "Are you awake?" the standard concept of foreplay.

and

Only in Australia do we live by the expression "You're never too pissed if you can still find the floor"

[Pagey]

Perente,

I thought the Australian for foreplay was 'Brace yourself Sheila'.

[Big Boy]

Out on her royal yacht (borrowed for the occasion) the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows fuck all about shark fishing........... How's the bait holding up?"

[Big Boy]

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and ... my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself?"

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,

"Well, there' s nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[Jim]

Theo Walcott, what I did on my summer holiday



I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown ups. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nasties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do.

In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.

Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.

In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.

While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.

I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on it.

All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.

The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.

Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.

All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.

[Guess]

A penguin is driving through the Nevada desert and passes the "Next Filling Station 100 miles" sign and breaths a sigh of relief that he can stop for some refreshment. He drives on at 55 MPH and the air con fails, he slows down but that makes things worse, the car gets very hot and the engine starts to run badly. Eventually he makes it to the garage and asks the mechancic to fill up and check out the air con and the engine.

In the meantime he goes into the store and spots the ice cream freezer. That is just what a hot penguin needs. After four of five he starts to get rather bloated and lets the ice cream melt and drip down onto his feathers and gets it smeared all over his beak.

He decides to check out the mechanic. The mechanic looks at him and says "Mr. Penguin you have blown a seal". The penguins says "No No its ice cream honestly".



I bet you all thought when you started to read it that it was going to be funny.

[Jaime]

I bet you all thought when you started to read it that it was going to be funny.

I chuckled audibly - what does that say about me!?