Sat Nav
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bu**er off
Best of the Rest of the World
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pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15894
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - We Now Start a New Chapter - Pennod newydd
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Subject: Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father's age, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty pathetic," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15894
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Tell it as it is...... ordering a Bacardi Breezer in Oz.
- Capture.JPG (32.62 KiB) Viewed 1315 times
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - We Now Start a New Chapter - Pennod newydd
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
This made me laugh, so I'll put it in the joke section. 
Yes, a crime but I ask what ever happened to plain old shoplifting by kids? Their choice of products though reinforces my belief that horny, red blooded teenagers still exist! 
Pete
http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/crimes/ ... eer-busted
Teen beer-theft gang arrested
Published: 8/01/2013 at 06:21 PM
Online news: Crimes
PATHUM THANI : Ten teenagers, nine of them minors, have been arrested over a series of armed robberies of beer and condoms at convenience stores in Lam Luk Ka and Thanyaburi districts during the New Year's holiday, police said.
The 10 youths, nine of them between 15 and 17, were brought to a press conference at the Pathum Thani police's Crime Suppression Centre on Tuesday.
During the arrests, police said they seized two homemade guns, a machete, three motorcycles and a stolen mobile phone.
On Dec 21, a gang of youths, armed with guns and a cleaver, stormed into Tesco Lotus Express convenience store in Thanyaburi district, grabbed assorted cans of beers and condoms, and got away on motorcycles. They also stole a mobile phone from a staff member at the store, provincial police chief Samithi Mookdasanit, said.
Youths from the same group allegedly carried out similar robberies at two branches of Tesco Lotus Express in Lam Luk Ka district - one in Soi Paholyothin 39 on Dec 25, and the other in the Klong 3 area last Sunday.
Pol Maj-Gen Samithi said footage taken from security cameras at the three robbed stores had images of the gang members, and witnesses confirmed their identities. The accused gang members all lived in the Rangsit area of Thanyaburi district, he added.
Yes, a crime but I ask what ever happened to plain old shoplifting by kids? Their choice of products though reinforces my belief that horny, red blooded teenagers still exist! Pete http://www.bangkokpost.com/news/crimes/ ... eer-busted
Teen beer-theft gang arrested
Published: 8/01/2013 at 06:21 PM
Online news: Crimes
PATHUM THANI : Ten teenagers, nine of them minors, have been arrested over a series of armed robberies of beer and condoms at convenience stores in Lam Luk Ka and Thanyaburi districts during the New Year's holiday, police said.
The 10 youths, nine of them between 15 and 17, were brought to a press conference at the Pathum Thani police's Crime Suppression Centre on Tuesday.
During the arrests, police said they seized two homemade guns, a machete, three motorcycles and a stolen mobile phone.
On Dec 21, a gang of youths, armed with guns and a cleaver, stormed into Tesco Lotus Express convenience store in Thanyaburi district, grabbed assorted cans of beers and condoms, and got away on motorcycles. They also stole a mobile phone from a staff member at the store, provincial police chief Samithi Mookdasanit, said.
Youths from the same group allegedly carried out similar robberies at two branches of Tesco Lotus Express in Lam Luk Ka district - one in Soi Paholyothin 39 on Dec 25, and the other in the Klong 3 area last Sunday.
Pol Maj-Gen Samithi said footage taken from security cameras at the three robbed stores had images of the gang members, and witnesses confirmed their identities. The accused gang members all lived in the Rangsit area of Thanyaburi district, he added.
Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. Source
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting the clap - that's why I am here!"
He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting the clap - that's why I am here!"
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
"Older Men Scam"
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, teenage girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look.) When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th & 17th, 25th and 26th and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $0.99 at the Reject Shop and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Target and K Mart.
So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, teenage girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look.) When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th & 17th, 25th and 26th and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $0.99 at the Reject Shop and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Target and K Mart.
So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
- wales.jpg (69.66 KiB) Viewed 1152 times
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
The Williams sisters were recently discussing the problem of drugs in
the warm-up room before a doubles match.
"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids," whispered Serena.
"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.
"Well", started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on
parts of my body that have never had hair before!"
"Shit ... like where?" Venus asked.
"Like, all over my balls!" Serena replied.
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
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migrant
- Addict
- Posts: 6052
- Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2006 6:15 am
- Location: California is now in the past hello Thailand!!
Golf Humor
Number: 10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"
Number: 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number: 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir ..... You miss the ball much closer now."
Number: 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."
Number: 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir ... That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number: 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."
Number: 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number: 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."
Number: 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course ... We left that an hour ago sir."
And Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus . . .
An old favorite ... about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole ... He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy ...
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of poop on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face.
Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end."
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"
Number: 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number: 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir ..... You miss the ball much closer now."
Number: 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."
Number: 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir ... That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number: 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."
Number: 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number: 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."
Number: 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course ... We left that an hour ago sir."
And Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus . . .
An old favorite ... about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole ... He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy ...
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of poop on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face.
Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end."
The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Sweet Revenge
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was
truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table
and said with a laugh
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . .
THAT 'S TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I ran out in the street and swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.
and with tears streaming down my face I ran out in the street and swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Well it's ASHES time so it's Pom Oz bashing time
Joking really. I've many Oz mates
Anyway heres a little Oz culture for you
Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
[ Brings a lump to your throat don't it.. !! ]
Joking really. I've many Oz mates
Anyway heres a little Oz culture for you
Australian Love Poem
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
[ Brings a lump to your throat don't it.. !! ]
RICHARD OF LOXLEY
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
It’s none of my business what people say and think of me. I am what I am and do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. It makes life so much easier.
-
pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15894
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - We Now Start a New Chapter - Pennod newydd
-
pharvey
- Moderator
- Posts: 15894
- Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 10:21 am
- Location: Sir Fynwy - God's Country
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
- Capture.PNG (178.87 KiB) Viewed 687 times
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - We Now Start a New Chapter - Pennod newydd
Re: Best of the Rest of the World
Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all them assholes."
And he calmly returned to his seat.
All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all them assholes."
And he calmly returned to his seat.
May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil know`s you`re dead!