Best of British

[Big Boy]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

"Jane. Jane."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next
day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk ."

[Big Boy]

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.



"That's me 6 months ago"

[Big Boy]

The Penis Poem
My Nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout
Time was on
Its own accord
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've a full time job
To find the f**king thing!
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

[lambella]

Try this.
POET TREE WITH MIST ACHES


I have a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea,

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye cannot sea.


When eye strike a quay,

Right a word, I weight four it to say

Weather eye am wrong oar rite;

It shows me strait away.


As soon as a mist ache is made,

It nose bee fore two late,

And eye can put the error rite,

It’s rarely, rarely grate.


I’ve run this poem threw it,

I’m shore your pleased to no,

It’s letter perfect in it’s weigh;

My chequer tolled me so.



(Sauce unknown)

[santa]

Two sharks are swimming along. one asks what day it is. The other replies'Friday". Great, says the first. "I could go a feed of human and chips". So they pop into the human and fish shop and ask the owner what he's got in the way of human.

He says he's got Australian at $3.40 battered or grilled, New Zealand at $3.20, South African at $2.90. and Thai at $3.00.

"Got anything else", they ask.

"Only English, but that's $14.70.

"Why so much?", they ask.

"Have you ever tried to clean one of them bastards?"

[JD]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long"

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Dick Cheney with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the Hammer, over and over, time after time

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, and I would be in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day", commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said,"OK, Monica, you're free to go"

[Big Boy]

An American girl and an African girl are travelling in a plane. The plane is about to crash.

The American girl starts to put on her make-up.

Everybody was curious, she said, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first."

On hearing that, the African girl removed her knickers, and said "Don't be stupid, they always look for the Black Box first.

[Big Boy]

This is a story about a fly, a fish, a bear, a hunter, a mouse and a cat.

There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us are expecting!

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go Down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will Be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes Down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes Down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab The fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the Lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and That fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for The fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of A lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly Goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... And That bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear And drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake Around lunch time). "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps For that fly .. And that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter Shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese Sandwich ... Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down For the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter Shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The Cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into The water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is in serious danger

[Big Boy]

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[dr dave soul monsta]

Nominated as best short joke this year......

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

[Big Boy]

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me' a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive h ome an d this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister ga ve you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:

"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[Big Boy]

A man was in a long line the super market.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

"Cleanup, Register 5"

[Terry]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"

Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?






"You're playing Tuesday."

[Big Boy]

Obituary – Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[Big Boy]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."