Best of British

[Bamboo Grove]

An order was made by the local court instructing Gary to take action or his erection would be removed permanently

Now, that's a serious threat.

[dr dave soul monsta]

Two guys are pushing their shopping trolley's around a store when they collide.


The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".



The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".



The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?



The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like"?




The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Guess]

Many thanks from Tony for this.

American intelligence



: This will make you feel better about yourself.







(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss
America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign.


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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.


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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.


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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to
death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.


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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environ ment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We si mply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[JW]

Some crackers there Guess, how can people say such S***, notice mostly politicians.

[Guess]

I guess everybody has a lapse on contrentration maybe assiste by stage fright or nerves. I can expect drivel from Miss big tits and arse from Alabama and the lady who can span more octaves than her IQ, but from prominet public figures it is unbelievable. However even the rich, intelligent and successful characters throughout history have made some bloomers. Two well known ones in the IT industry are:

No body will ever need more than 1 Megabyte of memory.

Bill Gates when announcing the launch of his MS-DOS operating system.

There are only about half a dozen institutions in the world that could benefit from the use of a computer.

A CEO sanctioned IBM press officer when asked about IBM's future strategy.

[Perente]

A British company is developing a computer chip that stores music in
women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining
about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Jaime]

Three men were sitting together in a bar bragging about how they had given their new wives their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Thailand and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from The Phillipines and bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Welsh girl. He bragged that he had told her she was to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and that he wanted hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[Guess]

Three men, two Thai and one Farang, are sitting in the cells in Bangkok after just having received to death penalty. They get chatting about their offences.

The first Thai says "I killed a policeman with a shotgun. I live in a border area and have been harassed and threatened by drug dealing bandits for years without any help from the police. When I saw a plain clother armed man enter my land I took my gun and shot him after a few warnings to him to stop. I have a great chance of the sentence being reduced on appeal. I have many witnesses and many police reports and the guy I shot was in plain clothes and never once declared that he was a policeman"

He then asks the second Thai about his offence. He said "I killed my wife in a fight. I have every hope of getting the sentence reduced as I have had years of physical and mental abuse and she only died as a result of me defending myself."

Oh that sounds good says the first Thai. What about you Khun Farang. The Farang says "I killed a young boy on a motorcycle with my truck which had no lights on. But I too have a chance of sentence reduction. The truck was parked up at the time and it was broad daylight"

[cockneyrebel]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they
were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing, nervously, as they were both virgins.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww
what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess. Smallcox

[Guess]

The Labour party today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom, as it reflects the Labour governments political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while your being fucked.

[Toni]

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street one evening when they pass a house with a big notice in the window - FANCY DRESS PARTY TONIGHT, THEME - EMOTIONS. ALL WELCOME.
The boys decide it sounds like fun so they decide to go for it, but they have no costumes.
"No problem," says Paddy, "follow me." And off they toddle to the 24 hour Tesco conveniently located on the other side of the street.

DING DONG! The host of the fancy dress party opens his door to find Paddy standing with his c*ck in a bowl of Ambrosia and Murphy with his penis inserted through a hole in a pear.
"Can I help you?" asks the host.
"We've come for the fancy dress party." says Murphy.
"I think you've got the wrong party." responds the host.
"No, no. This is the fancy dress party with emotions as the theme isn't it? asks Paddy.
"Yes. So what have you two come as?"
"Well, I'm f***ing dis-custard and he's cum-in' dis-pear!"

[cockneyrebel]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the
Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby
43 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download
Tears 6.2, whic! h should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring
Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not
a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

-------------------

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only
solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned
off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and
Playb*y 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and
left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely
for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and
Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these
two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my
hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, ! only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While
Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeS3xPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter,
and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These
latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what
the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when
Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, itoften crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could
be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if
Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money
before uninstalling itself!

[PeteB]

A Customer walks into a porno store asking for an inflatable
doll...

The Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?
Customer says, "Female"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

#
#
#
#
#
#

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

[kevars]

Man utd dressing room at half time , ferdinand to fergie " boss i wont play on unless you give me a cortisone injection " rooney to fergie " gaffer if you give him a new car then i want one ! "

[Perente]

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f*cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"