To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Best of British
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
Khundon1975
- Rock Star
- Posts: 3490
- Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:05 am
- Location: Boo, I'm behind you.
This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!
A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!'
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says, 'BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded
A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!'
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says, 'BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded
I've lost my mind and I am making no effort to find it.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's pissed.'
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's pissed.'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
Khundon1975
- Rock Star
- Posts: 3490
- Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:05 am
- Location: Boo, I'm behind you.
Food for thought?
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go'
The refugee claimant now got bolder
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
'One more wish,' said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the British.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon...
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!.'
And she disappeared!
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go'
The refugee claimant now got bolder
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
'One more wish,' said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the British.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon...
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!.'
And she disappeared!
I've lost my mind and I am making no effort to find it.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/ fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'
Below is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stresses that build during the day;
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'
Finally, here's some advice for you:
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/ fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'
Below is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stresses that build during the day;
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'
Finally, here's some advice for you:
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ' I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ' I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her Birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
His Letter:
Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Her letter
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a right tit!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed £50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million pounds, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell, Free & getting plenty of the big black Bobby!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem!
Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Her letter
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a right tit!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed £50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million pounds, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell, Free & getting plenty of the big black Bobby!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem!
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
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elem
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EU Directive No.EC/08 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be "Euronating"
Thank you for your attention.
End of mail
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be "Euronating"
Thank you for your attention.
End of mail
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.[Benjamin Franklin]
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elem
- Professional
- Posts: 422
- Joined: Sun Jul 23, 2006 8:32 pm
- Location: out and about in the dirty soi...
I tried it, I liked it; you will too!!
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN.............
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day.
Great job.
Have a glass of wine or a beer.
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN.............
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day.
Great job.
Have a glass of wine or a beer.
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.[Benjamin Franklin]