That talk of Kentuck reminds of of an amusing story.
I was just leaving a bar in Hopkinsville one night and an approaching young lady suddenly screamed and ran in the opposite direction. I ran after her fearing that she was in some sort of trouble and that maybe I could help. I caught her and told that there was anothing to worry about as I would protect her.
She looked me in the face and said "I am so sorry it's just that you look just like my step-brother and I am still a virgin"
Best of British
Hearing on going rumors from the American President Bush, Bin Laden had enough of it. He decided to end this rumor and let Bush know he was well alive. Laden sent a letter with a message to Bush. But when the President opened the letter, all he found was a code:
370HSSV 0773H
The President was confused and couldn't understand the code. He decided to crack the code by sending it to the FBI, CIA, and NSA. Nobody could find out what in meant! Later sometime in England the MI-6 called the President and to told him: " Sir, you were reading the code upside-down."
370HSSV 0773H
The President was confused and couldn't understand the code. He decided to crack the code by sending it to the FBI, CIA, and NSA. Nobody could find out what in meant! Later sometime in England the MI-6 called the President and to told him: " Sir, you were reading the code upside-down."
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
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yorkshiregraham
- Novice
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 3:57 am
- Location: Yorkshire UK
Best of British
Like that one Norseman.
At the weekly briefing President Bush asked for news of latest casualties in Iraq. "Well Sir," began one of his generals "We have had a further 15 US casualties and 8 US fatalities this week. Of our coalition partners five Brazilian soldiers were killed this morning in a road side bomb attack.
"Sweet Jesus - five Brazilians - those figures are disasterable" said the president and his head sank into his hands for a few moments before he finally raised his head, ashen faced. He turned to his generals and asked "Err... so exactly how many is a brazillion?"
"Sweet Jesus - five Brazilians - those figures are disasterable" said the president and his head sank into his hands for a few moments before he finally raised his head, ashen faced. He turned to his generals and asked "Err... so exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Aussie Army
Gidday Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean yer uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what yer doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they come in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the roo-bar of the truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil, Jack, Boori, Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter, Sheila xx
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean yer uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what yer doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they come in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the roo-bar of the truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil, Jack, Boori, Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter, Sheila xx
Per Angusta In Augusta.
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http://www.facebook.com/huahinhamandbacon
www.hamandbacon.co.th
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http://www.facebook.com/huahinhamandbacon
www.hamandbacon.co.th
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man
replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts,
all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down with a litre of
prune juice."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for....
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year".
replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts,
all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down with a litre of
prune juice."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for....
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year".
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........
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.... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........
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.... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!
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Guess
- Deceased
- Posts: 3470
- Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:01 pm
- Location: BangSaphan. Laurasia. Sub thumb
JW, I just spent two hours reading that and have worn out my dictionary.
I think that the vast quanities of lysergic acid diethylamide that Pink Floyd consumed must by now being expelled within the ultrasonic sound waves that are produced whilst listening to their music and somehow had an adverse effect on your sense of humour.
I gave up acid after I relalised the next day that I was the only person on the planet that found the sick squid joke funny.
I think that the vast quanities of lysergic acid diethylamide that Pink Floyd consumed must by now being expelled within the ultrasonic sound waves that are produced whilst listening to their music and somehow had an adverse effect on your sense of humour.
I gave up acid after I relalised the next day that I was the only person on the planet that found the sick squid joke funny.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]
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yorkshiregraham
- Novice
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 3:57 am
- Location: Yorkshire UK
Best of British
Dammed Consultants!
A timeless leson on how consultants can make difference for an organisation.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaunrant's owners hired Anderson Consulting to revamp all our processes. After months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represented a drop frequency of approximatly 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to replace it right now" I was impressed.
I also noticed that their was a length of string hanging from the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had a length of string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I said, "Excuse me, but can you tell why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly, sir!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can then pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 per cent. "Yes," I said "but once you have it out, how do you put it back in?
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon!"
A timeless leson on how consultants can make difference for an organisation.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaunrant's owners hired Anderson Consulting to revamp all our processes. After months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represented a drop frequency of approximatly 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to replace it right now" I was impressed.
I also noticed that their was a length of string hanging from the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had a length of string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I said, "Excuse me, but can you tell why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly, sir!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can then pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 per cent. "Yes," I said "but once you have it out, how do you put it back in?
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon!"
The Story of the Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side.
He then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest.
He finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude, how much water did you drink?!!"
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side.
He then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest.
He finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude, how much water did you drink?!!"
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The Mongolian case
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God; the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God; the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
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HansMartin
- Professional
- Posts: 270
- Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 7:50 am
- Location: Back Home in CA
Two men were sitting next to each other at a pub.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think,from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
Did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
What year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight".
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think,from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
Did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I.
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
What year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight".
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Guess
- Deceased
- Posts: 3470
- Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:01 pm
- Location: BangSaphan. Laurasia. Sub thumb
Believe it not
Some interesting news from Louisiana which I am sorry has absolutely no connection with this region but amuzing anyway.
The Ponchatoula Times
15th April 2006.
Gary (Gator) Fulmer (43) got himself in hot water when he made a 15 foot plaster cast model of an alligator with mouth agape and placed it on the roof of his one storey farmhouse just outside of town.
The Sheriff’s Office received many complaints from parents whose children passed the Fulmer residence on the way to school and had been frightened by the lifelike model..
An order was made by the local court instructing Gary to take action or his erection would be removed permanently.
This met with vociferous protest from Gary’s two teenage stepsisters who were only subdued when the Sheriff explained exactly what the court order required.
They promptly agreed to help their step brother take down the offending monster so as not to cause further alarm.
The Ponchatoula Times
15th April 2006.
Gary (Gator) Fulmer (43) got himself in hot water when he made a 15 foot plaster cast model of an alligator with mouth agape and placed it on the roof of his one storey farmhouse just outside of town.
The Sheriff’s Office received many complaints from parents whose children passed the Fulmer residence on the way to school and had been frightened by the lifelike model..
An order was made by the local court instructing Gary to take action or his erection would be removed permanently.
This met with vociferous protest from Gary’s two teenage stepsisters who were only subdued when the Sheriff explained exactly what the court order required.
They promptly agreed to help their step brother take down the offending monster so as not to cause further alarm.
[color=blue][size=134]Care in the community success story.[/size][/color]