A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear . Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden"
Best of British
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
One Liners
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got China in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got China in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Quiz Answers
BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly:Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman:No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark:For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, goosey?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter:What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter:What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.
QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread .. .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter:In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm .. .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell:How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
A: Err . . .
Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
A: Err . . .
Q: It begins with a 'C'.
A: No idea.
MAGIC FM
Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?
Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh:Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter:How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen:In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler:I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . ..
er . . . three?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson:What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO) Steve Penk:What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle:In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?
THE VAULT
Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?
Contestant: Kentish Town?
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson:Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton
DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT:In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat:How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen:Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton:Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgic.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles:Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm .. .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly:Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman:No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark:For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, goosey?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter:What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter:What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.
QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread .. .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter:In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm .. .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell:How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
A: Err . . .
Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
A: Err . . .
Q: It begins with a 'C'.
A: No idea.
MAGIC FM
Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?
Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh:Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter:How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen:In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler:I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . ..
er . . . three?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson:What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO) Steve Penk:What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle:In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?
THE VAULT
Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?
Contestant: Kentish Town?
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson:Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton
DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT:In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat:How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen:Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton:Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgic.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles:Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm .. .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.
The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some t*sser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked.
The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but wh*res and footballers there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."
"No sh*it!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some t*sser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked.
The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but wh*res and footballers there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."
"No sh*it!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go."
"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long"
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Dick Cheney with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the Hammer, over and over, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, and I would be in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day", commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said,"OK, Monica, you're free to go"
"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go."
"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long"
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Dick Cheney with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the Hammer, over and over, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, and I would be in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day", commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said,"OK, Monica, you're free to go"
Per Angusta In Augusta.
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude says, "What in the hell is that?"
Mabel answers her, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Maude asks her, "Where did you get it?"
Mabel explains, "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny," Maude proclaims, "As long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Maude says, "What in the hell is that?"
Mabel answers her, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Maude asks her, "Where did you get it?"
Mabel explains, "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny," Maude proclaims, "As long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Per Angusta In Augusta.
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-
barrys
- Legend
- Posts: 2296
- Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2005 1:52 pm
- Location: Enjoying the sea air on a boat around Pak Nam Pran
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?
Stevie replies, "Not too bad, how's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger in astonishment says, "You play golf?"
Stevie replies, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods looks at him and says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Steve answers, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his
voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
Well, says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and then I just play the ball
toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie replies, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie Wonder answers, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only
play for money, and never play for less than $25,000 a hole."
Tiger Woods thinks about and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
Stevie replies, "Not too bad, how's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger in astonishment says, "You play golf?"
Stevie replies, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods looks at him and says, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Steve answers, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his
voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
Well, says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and then I just play the ball
toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie replies, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie Wonder answers, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only
play for money, and never play for less than $25,000 a hole."
Tiger Woods thinks about and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Tony Blair falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must Choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Blair.
"I'm sorry ... but we have our rules and bureaucracy." Peter interjects.
And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 21C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is MPs from all the years of the Great British democracy. There are luminaries who had helped Blair over the years. The whole set of the Party leaders from the past were there . everyone laughing, happy, and casually, but expensively, dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Blair with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Tony!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I took a pledge," says Blair, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" So Tony takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, like the ones he and Hewitt pulled with the NHS and with Kelly on Education. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Blair steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Blair is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or egotistical remark among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Mandleson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Blair reflects for a minute ... then answers:
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, All the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a concrete jungle covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, infested areas that Prescott created in the South East housing blight. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Blair and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Tony, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must Choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Blair.
"I'm sorry ... but we have our rules and bureaucracy." Peter interjects.
And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 21C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is MPs from all the years of the Great British democracy. There are luminaries who had helped Blair over the years. The whole set of the Party leaders from the past were there . everyone laughing, happy, and casually, but expensively, dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Blair with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Tony!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I took a pledge," says Blair, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" So Tony takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, like the ones he and Hewitt pulled with the NHS and with Kelly on Education. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Blair steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Blair is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or egotistical remark among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Mandleson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Blair reflects for a minute ... then answers:
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, All the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a concrete jungle covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, infested areas that Prescott created in the South East housing blight. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Blair and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Tony, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
-
Randy Cornhole
- Rock Star
- Posts: 3701
- Joined: Sun Feb 27, 2005 5:01 pm
- Location: London
- Contact:
An American tourist in London decides to skip the official guided tours and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, sees the sights, and occasionally stops off at local pubs to soak up the culture -- as well as a pint or two of beer. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area with big townhouses, no pubs, restaurants, or shops... but worst of all, no public toilets!
After all that good beer, he really needs to go, so he nips into a side street, behind a wall, and prepares to solve his problem. As he's unzipping himself, he feels a firm tap on his shoulder.
His heart sinks as he turns around to see a bobby, one of London's finest, standing behind him. "Begging your pardon, sir," says the bobby, "I can't allow you to do that here."
"I'm really sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I'm desperate to go, and I can't find a restroom anywhere!"
"Just follow me, sir," says the bobby. He leads the American down a side alley, and along a wall to a gate. He opens the gate and waves the American inside. "In there, sir. Anywhere you like."
The tourist enters, and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he's ever seen! Manicured lawns, statues, fountains, and huge beds of flowers in full bloom. Since he has the bobby's permission, he proceeds to relieve himself copiously. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really thoughtful of you. Is this what you call British hospitality?"
"You may if you wish to, sir," says the bobby. "But we prefer to call it the French Embassy."
After all that good beer, he really needs to go, so he nips into a side street, behind a wall, and prepares to solve his problem. As he's unzipping himself, he feels a firm tap on his shoulder.
His heart sinks as he turns around to see a bobby, one of London's finest, standing behind him. "Begging your pardon, sir," says the bobby, "I can't allow you to do that here."
"I'm really sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I'm desperate to go, and I can't find a restroom anywhere!"
"Just follow me, sir," says the bobby. He leads the American down a side alley, and along a wall to a gate. He opens the gate and waves the American inside. "In there, sir. Anywhere you like."
The tourist enters, and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he's ever seen! Manicured lawns, statues, fountains, and huge beds of flowers in full bloom. Since he has the bobby's permission, he proceeds to relieve himself copiously. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really thoughtful of you. Is this what you call British hospitality?"
"You may if you wish to, sir," says the bobby. "But we prefer to call it the French Embassy."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
It was 6 p.m., and the town pub had just opened its doors for the early evening trade. It was still quiet yet. The barman was idly polishing glasses, when a tired looking man walked in, sat on a bar stool, and placed a large paper bag on the bar. He ordered a beer, which the barman served.
In the finest tradition of pub service, the barman tried to strike up a conversation with the stranger. After a few opening gambits, which were not very successful, he tried 'So what's in the bag, then?'.
The customer, with a weary sigh, reached into the bag and took out a small grand piano, which he set on the bar. He reached in again and brought out a matching piano stool, which he put before the piano. He then reached in and brought out a little man in formal evening clothes! The little man bowed, sat at the piano, and played a most beautiful piano sonata.
The barman was astounded. "That was fantastic!" he exclaimed. "Where on earth did you find HIM?".
The stranger didn't say a word, but reached into his paper bag again and pulled out a small, old fashioned, oil lamp, which he set on the bar. "Rub that" he said to the barman.
The barman rubbed the little lamp. There was a flash of light, a cloud of purple smoke, and a tall, glittering Genie materialised. "You have but one wish, my master. Tell me, what is your heart's desire?".
The barman was flabbergasted. However, being a shrewd, and poorly paid, barman he quickly regained his composure and said "I want a million bucks, right now". At that the Genie clapped his hands, there was a second flash and a bang, and he disappeared as a cloud of smoke, back into the spout of the lamp.
Nothing appeared to have changed. The old pub clock ticked loudly. Then the bar door creaked open a few inches, and in waddled a small white duck. The door creaked again, and 3 more ducks came in. Then 5, then 10, then more and more, until soon the floor of the bar was filling up with ducks! And still they were coming in! The barman was getting a little panicky, and also a bit irritated. He turned to the stranger, and said "I think your Genie must be a little hard of hearing! I didn't ask for a million ducks, I asked for a million BUCKS!".
The stranger sighed, as though he had all the weight of all the world's troubles on his shoulders, and replied, "You don't think I asked for a twelve inch pianist, do you?"
In the finest tradition of pub service, the barman tried to strike up a conversation with the stranger. After a few opening gambits, which were not very successful, he tried 'So what's in the bag, then?'.
The customer, with a weary sigh, reached into the bag and took out a small grand piano, which he set on the bar. He reached in again and brought out a matching piano stool, which he put before the piano. He then reached in and brought out a little man in formal evening clothes! The little man bowed, sat at the piano, and played a most beautiful piano sonata.
The barman was astounded. "That was fantastic!" he exclaimed. "Where on earth did you find HIM?".
The stranger didn't say a word, but reached into his paper bag again and pulled out a small, old fashioned, oil lamp, which he set on the bar. "Rub that" he said to the barman.
The barman rubbed the little lamp. There was a flash of light, a cloud of purple smoke, and a tall, glittering Genie materialised. "You have but one wish, my master. Tell me, what is your heart's desire?".
The barman was flabbergasted. However, being a shrewd, and poorly paid, barman he quickly regained his composure and said "I want a million bucks, right now". At that the Genie clapped his hands, there was a second flash and a bang, and he disappeared as a cloud of smoke, back into the spout of the lamp.
Nothing appeared to have changed. The old pub clock ticked loudly. Then the bar door creaked open a few inches, and in waddled a small white duck. The door creaked again, and 3 more ducks came in. Then 5, then 10, then more and more, until soon the floor of the bar was filling up with ducks! And still they were coming in! The barman was getting a little panicky, and also a bit irritated. He turned to the stranger, and said "I think your Genie must be a little hard of hearing! I didn't ask for a million ducks, I asked for a million BUCKS!".
The stranger sighed, as though he had all the weight of all the world's troubles on his shoulders, and replied, "You don't think I asked for a twelve inch pianist, do you?"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Rules of Being a Man
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
18: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox. End of story.
19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, 'Roll over, fatty, you're next!'
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
18: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox. End of story.
19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, 'Roll over, fatty, you're next!'
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED