A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO,
THIS IS THE MANAGER OF
THE HOCKEY RINK"
Best of British
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger; "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger; "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd 
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Golfing Terminology
A *Dennis Wise* - a nasty 5 footer
A *Salman Rushdie* - an impossible read
A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but it wasnt
A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution
An *Elton John *- a big bender that lips the rim
An * Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker
A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another
A * Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
A *Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
A *Geny Adams* - playing a Provisional
A *Glen Miller* - didn't make it over the water
An *Arthur Scargill* - a great strike but a poor result
A *Russell Grant* - a fat iron
A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed
An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it
A 'Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver
A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver
A *Robin Cook* - just died on the hill
A *Michael Jackson* - gradually fading
A *Douglas Bader* - looked good in the air, but didnt have the legs
A *Ken Livingstone* - quite far left
A * Jean-Marie LePen* - a long way right
A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
A *condom* - safe but didnt feel real good
A *circus tent* - a BIG top
An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A * Vinnie Jones* - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A 'Sally Gunnell* - ugly, but a good runner
A *Liz McColgan* - Ugly but runs forever
A* Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole
A 'Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole
A *Dennis Wise* - a nasty 5 footer
A *Salman Rushdie* - an impossible read
A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but it wasnt
A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution
An *Elton John *- a big bender that lips the rim
An * Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker
A Saddam Hussein - from one bunker straight into another
A * Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
A *Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
A *Geny Adams* - playing a Provisional
A *Glen Miller* - didn't make it over the water
An *Arthur Scargill* - a great strike but a poor result
A *Russell Grant* - a fat iron
A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed
An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it
A 'Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver
A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver
A *Robin Cook* - just died on the hill
A *Michael Jackson* - gradually fading
A *Douglas Bader* - looked good in the air, but didnt have the legs
A *Ken Livingstone* - quite far left
A * Jean-Marie LePen* - a long way right
A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
A *condom* - safe but didnt feel real good
A *circus tent* - a BIG top
An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A * Vinnie Jones* - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A 'Sally Gunnell* - ugly, but a good runner
A *Liz McColgan* - Ugly but runs forever
A* Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole
A 'Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
dr dave soul monsta
- Deceased
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2004 10:04 pm
- Location: Altissima quaeque flumina minimo sono labi
- Contact:
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed that the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that what was good for the goose was good for the gander and decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her. After all, as she never came back she would not know that they had also gone.
One, a brunette, was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead of the group was also elated to be able to get in a quick work-out at the spa before going on a dinner date,
The last girl, a blonde (you guessed eh?) was happy to be able to get home early and surprise her husband, but, when she got to the bedroom door, she heard muffled noises coming from inside the room.
Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see her husband making out in bed with.....her boss! Gently she closed the door again and crept out of the house.
The next day, over coffee the brunette and the redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she intended to go with them.
"No way" said the blonde, "I almost got caught yesterday"
One, a brunette, was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead of the group was also elated to be able to get in a quick work-out at the spa before going on a dinner date,
The last girl, a blonde (you guessed eh?) was happy to be able to get home early and surprise her husband, but, when she got to the bedroom door, she heard muffled noises coming from inside the room.
Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see her husband making out in bed with.....her boss! Gently she closed the door again and crept out of the house.
The next day, over coffee the brunette and the redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she intended to go with them.
"No way" said the blonde, "I almost got caught yesterday"
I received this today, and thought how relevant it was to this forum, and how it goes to explain a lot of the confusion
Can you read these correctly the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8 ) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18 ) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers' praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
Can you read these correctly the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8 ) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18 ) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers' praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
BB, I can't see how people could get confused, it's all very easy: e.g.
bow - To bend forward at the waist in respect (i.e. "bow down")
bow - the front of the ship (i.e. "bow and stern")
bow - the weapon which fires arrows (i.e. "bow and arrow")
bow - a kind of tied ribbon (i.e. bow on a present, a bowtie)
bow - to bend outward at the sides (i.e. a "bow-legged" cowboy)
bough - a branch on a tree. (i.e. "when the bough breaks...")
Simple really!
bow - To bend forward at the waist in respect (i.e. "bow down")
bow - the front of the ship (i.e. "bow and stern")
bow - the weapon which fires arrows (i.e. "bow and arrow")
bow - a kind of tied ribbon (i.e. bow on a present, a bowtie)
bow - to bend outward at the sides (i.e. a "bow-legged" cowboy)
bough - a branch on a tree. (i.e. "when the bough breaks...")
Simple really!
-
DawnHRD
- Legend
- Posts: 2627
- Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2005 10:39 pm
- Location: Not always where I want to be
or
row - to propel a boat forward by use of oars
row - a line of something, one after another
roe - fish eggs
row - a loud disagreement
What's so hard?
row - to propel a boat forward by use of oars
row - a line of something, one after another
roe - fish eggs
row - a loud disagreement
What's so hard?
"The question is not, can they reason? Nor, can they talk? But, can they suffer?" - Jeremy Bentham, philosopher, 1748-1832
Make a dog's life better, today!
Make a dog's life better, today!
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."
The salesman bought a ticket & sat down. There,under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause & the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
15 years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, 3 coconuts were placed on the table.The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants & smashed the coconuts with 3 swings of his amazing member.The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian,"But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago & you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
The salesman bought a ticket & sat down. There,under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause & the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
15 years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, 3 coconuts were placed on the table.The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants & smashed the coconuts with 3 swings of his amazing member.The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian,"But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago & you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
This was apparently in the Washington Post. The title of the article was - "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, Excuse sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, .....................
"A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it midnight already?"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, Excuse sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, .....................
"A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it midnight already?"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 Pounds?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 Pounds?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 Pounds?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, 10,000 Pounds - Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 Pounds?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 Pounds?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, 10,000 Pounds - Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this ****ing hole!!!!"
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this ****ing hole!!!!"
Championship Plymouth Argyle 1 - 2 Leeds Utd
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
Points 46; Position 23 RELEGATED
-
dr dave soul monsta
- Deceased
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2004 10:04 pm
- Location: Altissima quaeque flumina minimo sono labi
- Contact:
- Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain
and check that it has gone.
- Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the object you wish to view.
- Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.
- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
- Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
- Anorexics - When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
- An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
- Olympic athletes - Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
- Vegetarians coming to dinner? - Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
the difference.
- Invited by vegetarians for dinner? - Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
- High blood pressure sufferers - Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
- Heavy smokers - Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
- Corsa drivers - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
- A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
- Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.
- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- Housewives - We've found the best way to get two bottles of
washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
- Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They
may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain
and check that it has gone.
- Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the object you wish to view.
- Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.
- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
- Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
- Anorexics - When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
- An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
- Olympic athletes - Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
- Vegetarians coming to dinner? - Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
the difference.
- Invited by vegetarians for dinner? - Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
- High blood pressure sufferers - Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
- Heavy smokers - Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
- Corsa drivers - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
- A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
- Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.
- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- Housewives - We've found the best way to get two bottles of
washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
- Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They
may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.