Best of British

[Big Boy]

Teacher stood at the front of the class announces "who ever gets these random quotes right can go to lunch 15 minutes early.... first one

"We will fight them on the beaches"

One of a pair of Jewish kids puts his hands up and says "Winston Churchill 1940 Miss but I don't want to go early... I'm jewish and my family expects alot from me, I want a good education and don't want to miss a thing"

"Okay then who started off a speech with "Four score and seven years ago...""

The other jewish kid puts his hand up and says "Abraham Lincoln 1863 Miss but I want to stay here aswell as I feel the same way as my friend and am dedicated to a good education"

Little Jimmy at the back of the class mumbles to himself "f*ckin' Jews"

The teacher bellows "WHO SAID THAT??"

Jimmy replies "Adolf Hitler 1939 can I go now miss?

[Big Boy]

Why we love kids

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE #1.
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[Big Boy]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old Bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raise his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[Big Boy]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they went.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.

As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."

I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are menthol".

[Big Boy]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"



"Yeah. But today is the last day".

[Big Boy]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Big Boy]

The Sensitive ManA woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says....







"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

[Big Boy]

A family of England supporters head out shopping, for Barbours, in Richmond, one Saturday before Christmas. While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Welsh rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Welsh supporter and I'd like this shirt for my Christmas present!" The sister is outraged at this; promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the little lad, with Welsh shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum"

"Yes, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Welsh supporter and I'd like this shirt for my Christmas present."

The mother is outraged at this; promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the Welsh shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad."

"Yes, son?"

"I've given this a lot of thought; I've watched the style of rugby they play and I've decided I'm going to be a Welsh rugby supporter and I would like this Welsh shirt for my Christmas present."

The father is outraged at this; promptly whacks his son round the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they are all in the car heading home.

The father turns to the son and says: "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?"

The son turns to his father and says: "Yes, Father, I have".

Father says: "Good son, and what is it?"





The son replies: "I've only been a Welsh supporter for an hour and I already hate you English b***ards!"

[Big Boy]

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at a Condom factory. The foreman takes him round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.

She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.

The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.

"Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the factory waiting to get in at 6:30am

Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for
extra comfort) go by.

He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary

Who says...?












"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

[Big Boy]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[nevets]

In ww2 it was said that when the English fired the Germans ducked there heads and when the Germans fired the English ducked , but when the Americans fired everyone ducked . This is apparently true so why cant they get Steven Spielberg to show them how to range properly?.

[Big Boy]

Harris man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No", she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".

[Big Boy]

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.

He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied,

"First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."

"Third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"



"Big tits" replied the Pope.

[JimmyGreaves]

Englands Cri cket Team

[Big Boy]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room Floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in. "

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."







Mrs. Smith fainted.........